Unexpected waves

My dearest wife,

Today, the grief started to come in waves.  It began this morning when Jonathan watched me shave.  He waited in anticipation for the moment when I splashed the aftershave on.  “Dad, can you put some on me so I can run and show mo….?”  He paused.  The routine he had always treasured—the one where he would run to your arms and gleefully declare “Smell me mom, I smell like Daddy” and you would say “Mmmm…you smell like a handsome man”—had lost it’s meaning. 

You are wonderful, my dear, and you have prepared me well.  You told me “Watch out for Jonathan, he will need tenderness and affection.”  I see now that you were right, this will be hardest on him.  I see him trying to be tough and hold this all in though he doesn’t comprehend why all this has happened.  He knows that God is good, but doesn’t understand why He allowed you to go.

From there, the waves of grief kept trickling ashore.  I finalized mortuary plans, and met with Ryan to discuss the memorial.  Moments before arriving at the church, I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of our marriage nearly 10 years ago.  I remember feeling so privileged to have you as my bride.  I knew that God had entrusted you to my care and that, one day, I would entrust you back to His.  I did not realize it would be this soon, but I am thankful for the 9 1/2 years we shared.  You are now in the arms of your Savior, who is more faithful than I, and whose love is everlasting. 

I miss your presence in our home, especially this time of night when you gently beckon me to our bed to get rest.  Tomorrow, the boys have a dentist appointment.  Thank you for always taking care of our boys and staying on top of these routine things. There is much I continue to learn from the care you left in your absence.

I miss you dearly,

Your husband.